Nebula şekillerine bakarsan çok etkileyici görüntüler ile karşılaşır insan. Bu büyüleyici görüntü karşısında insan ufkunun sınırları çok dar geliyor. Dünyaya, yaratılışına şaşırıyorsun, uzayın enginliğinde kayboluyorsun. Nebula acaba gibi yersiz şakalar ile izahı olmayan durumun mizahını yapıyorsun.
Oysa kim bilir belki kırılan bir kalbin paramparça olmasının gösterimidir. Her bir toz bulutu, bir yıldızın patlaması yahut her bir toz tanesi bir yaşanmışlıktır.
Ah ben ölünce neler söyletecekler sana,
ne buldun diyecekler onun nesini sevdin?
iyisi mi sevgilim sen hepten yan çiz bana,
zaten bende ne arar senin değer dediğin.
meğer ki uydurduğun erdemli yalanlarla
hiç layık olmadığım şeyler yakıştırasın,
cimri gerçeğin vermek istediğinden fazla
bu ölüye ardından övgüler yağdırasın.
ah belki gerçek sevgin görünür diye sahte
istemem aşk uğruna yalancıktan övmeni;
adımı da gömsünler cesedinle birlikte
yaşamasın; ne beni utandırsın ne seni.
utanıyorum işte bunlara yol açmaktan;
hiç değer taşımayan şeylerden sen de utan.
Bundan tam bir sene önce, hem de tam bir sene, bazı notlar almıştım kendime. Elbette yazıp yayınlamadığım sayfalarım var, mesela bu sayfanın nebula ile ilgili bölümü evvelden yazılmış gözlerinde buluşmayı bekliyordu. Birazdan okuyacağın satırlara bugünün gözüyle bakmanı istiyorum.
İşten çıkmayı, başka şehre gitmeyi, seni unutmayı istiyorum. Ellerini tuttuğum an sanki çocukluğuma döndüm. Gözlerim yaşarıp duruyor, iş yerinde elini tutmayı istemekten korkuyorum. Muhtemelen sen gideceksin. Keşke hayatımın sonuna kadar bugün olan şeyi yaşasam. Seninle yapmak istediğim çok şey var. Beni bugün arada öptün ya, Allahım o nasıl bir his, nasip olur mu bir daha. Bir yıl sonrasına bunlar komik bile gelebilir ama bu kez kaybetmek istemiyorum. Ben bugün yaşadığım şeyi bir kez yaşayıp gitmeni istemiyorum. Ne hissediyorsan söyle bana. Puanım azalsa da benim ben hala çok güzel olduğunu düşünüyorum. Seninle karşılıklı yattığım o anı hiçbir zaman unutmayacağım. Özür dilerim, çok üzgünüm.
Hala bana dönüp konuşman için 32 saniye borçlusun.
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